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I’ve always thought that I had a pretty good handle on death. I’ve lost three of my four grandparents, my mother’s mother before I was even old enough to know here, my father’s mother when I was in high school and my mother’s father a few months after graduating from college. I’m not going to say that I wasn’t sad when they passed, because it would be a bald faced lie, but I could accept that in all their cases they really were in a better place. I never considered how I would react to losing someone before their time should have been up.
I got a facebook message early Sunday morning inviting me to “celebrate the life” of one of my former teachers, Jennifer K. I was excited at first, I thought that it was an elaborate surprise party being planed to commemorate all the wonderful things that she’d done and all of the people she had inspired. But it wasn’t, it was a memorial service invite. Her facebook page was post after post of people sharing memories and wishing her family comfort in this tough time. The bright and shining woman who’d given me the kick in the pants I needed in one of the toughest periods of my life is dead. She took her life earlier this month, and I don’t know how to deal with it. She shouldn’t be gone, she should be here with her children and the dozens of people who can’t understand why she couldn’t see what the rest of us saw. I am so angry, at myself for getting caught up in my own life and not keeping in contact, and at her for doing this. How? How can you walk away from life? Sure there are moments where everything seem so completely overwhelming, but there is so much beauty and joy to be experienced. I’m sorry to bring you guys down on a Monday of all days, but I try to be pretty honest in my posts and right now this is where I am.
I don’t know if it is the return of the muggy weather, hormones, work, the stress of house shopping or a combination of some or all of these thing, but I have a case of the blues. Not even cerulean or cornflower blues, but almost navy. I really thought that after all of the wedding insanity died away, we would have more time to relax and enjoy newly wed status. But there are “thank you” cards to be mailed, name change forms to be submitted and holiday preparations to be made. It really feels like I am running in sand at this point; for every task I complete, there are four more waiting to replace it. Oh well, enough of the “poor little Julie” rant. I came across these intricately beautiful prints by artist and blogger Anna Emilia. The winter images currently available on her site are wistful and poignant, and in my current mood they are really speaking to me. Must…..not….impulse…..buy……!
Images from here.